THE MAGICAL KEY

Author : Rekha Gupta

Sometimes the most complicated problems and misunderstandings of the world have their solution in a very

simple art- Communication.

To all those who may instantly react by saying that ‘its a normal done act’ so what is really new to be written and then read ?

This harmless act of Communication in itself seems a simple act of sharing information and sometimes feelings, done in multiple ways : verbal, ,written. ,visually and non verbally via body movement, posture, gestures and even your very thoughts. However more often than not, what gets in our ears is what is spoken. We do not have the time and patience to view communication it its totality. Now people think ‘read between the lines’ was a phrase developed for this very reason it seems 💁🏻

Ability to communicate accurately and as intended (or otherwise also) is a pertinent , almost critical vital life saving skill that can save many misunderstandings and eventually your relationships and sometimes of silly embarrassment time and again when you justify ”oh this was not my intention” at all .👎🏻

One would think communication doesn’t need any further understanding but it so happens that due to lack of proper communication, misunderstandings and conflicts often occur, from which, stems frustration and unhappiness in personal as well as professional life. Relationships get distanced or fall apart because of a simple reason of ‘not having communicated appropriately’ or not communicating at all !

Communication begins with family ,peers, friends & colleagues and strangers too, and would essentially mean connecting via talking.. but guess what, there is another vital component of communication called listening. People are seldom listening. We are so busy preparing answers while the other person is talking, that sadly we end up loosing out on meaningful conversations.

Let us begin with the understanding that communication is a two way street. Talking and Listening.

A familiar line spoken every other day by almost all of us : ‘Oh sorry, I wasn’t with you, could you repeat what you just said’ because we were not listening attentively. This is not only demeaning to the speaker but at various levels, he is definitely surprised, upset, and has also lost interest in saying whatever it was that he was . A one off case is granted and excused but if its a habit then you need to realise that no one likes to to communicate with someone who doesn’t care.

A conversation is interesting and meaningful when its equally divided between talking and listening. The key to being a good listener is to wait for your turn to speak, pause to reflect upon that was spoken ,then speak. Ask a relevant question and show your presence and willingness to further the conversation.

While listening patiently, body language plays a vital role in making the speaker feel at ease , try conversing with an open smile, hands & body left loose and free. Do not appear fidgety or distracted while listening or else the conversation goes for a toss . This includes shifty eyes and checking your phone time and again which has become so normal these days, but is an act of rudeness to say the least.

The way you listen ,understand and respond is a skill. Attentive listening is about hearing to understand that is being said without butting in , for unless you understand , you can not respond appropriately.Before responding, gain clarification by rephrasing what you have heard , so there is no scope of a misunderstanding.

Upon listening most of us usually REACT & not RESPOND – reaction is immediate without much thought. therefore may eventually turn a conversation into an argument . Response is carefully communicated thought process that makes a conversation enjoyable. eg.: Have you ever been in a situation where on a certain problem being discussed with colleagues / friends or loved ones , you present your opinion but when he gives his opinion, without a pause to reflect on what he is trying to say , you end up taking it personally and form various opinions that he is trying to over ride your opinion as such you start to get anxious and voices are raised and a normal discussion turns ugly. That 1st problem that was being discussed remains but has ended up giving genesis to another one . This my friends is not communication , it is an angry, weak, irrational reaction to another one’s opinion. Anger is temporary insanity that clouds the mind of all logic & reasonability. Please be mindful that any communication in extreme temperamental moods is to be nullified.

Im not sure if you would agree, but majority of people excercise good conversation skills at workplace, whatever the intent. They are more mindful of when to speak, what to speak, how much to speak or not speak at all. Thats great if it works for you, but a little prudency and mindfulness in casual scenarios and with family members would help.

Writing this article took me back to happy childhood memories and the invaluable lessons learnt therein Remember the regular ‘Debate competitions’ in school, the excitement of participation, to choose to speak for or against the given topic then the prep work ….No one ever told us the relevance of debates so it just remained another fun activity . Now when I reflect upon the purpose there were immense lessons hidden in a simple debate : the 1st: obviously is to be thorough on the given topic with substantiated evidence. 2nd is to prepare confident eloquent orators, 3rd : is to cultivate the habit to being an attentive listener so as to be able to counter a weak point of the peer thereby helping further to flex ones analytical muscles. 4th: without an argument how to view both sides of an issue logically . And the most important is to enhance the ability to listen to varied views with a calm & relaxed mind at all times and to retain audiences interest.To make sure to keep conversations healthy was perhaps the biggest gist of these debates!

NON VERBAL COMMUNICATION

I have experienced not once, but several times where what people are talking is in total conflict (opposite ) of their body language and gestures. This left me terribly confused earlier, but now I see myself paying closer attention to details like these and believe me it has worked wonders and mostly in favour of both parties. Let me give another example – one normally doesn’t talk to strangers yet its the body language and vibrations of that person that makes one feel either okay or uncomfortable in the presence of a stranger. Welcome to non verbal communication which is also referred as ‘Body language’ but has never been taken seriously .

The way one Talks ,Listens ,Looks, Gestures & makes Body Movements ,speaks far more about the intent and feelings than words can ever say. Imagine a scenario : a family member walks in fuming ,throws the stuff on the floor and slumps on the sofa ,looking blankly at the ceiling, you ask ‘how was your day’ to which he replies Im fine .Which message do you get loud and clear ? The spoken one or the unsaid one?

Body language :During a conversation far more is said by ones posture, hand gestures & facial expressions that reveal a persons characteristics : like whether a person is Confident or Anxious , Calm or Stressed,Domineering or Submissive, Animated or Dreary.

Some obvious signs that one should never ignore while communicating with the other person.

Being Fidgety : Playing with a pen or twisting the neck time and again as someone else talks are clear tell tale signs that either you are bored with the talk or you are not in agreement to thats being spoken. Leave the conversation or change the topic.

Slouching is a clear give away sign of boredom. Whereas sitting still and leaning towards the speaker is a clear sign of being attentive and engaged in the conversation.

Hand Gestures give clues to the speakers thoughts. Shaking hands show anxiety or lying. Strong hand gestures could indicate both excitement or intimidating.

The tone, the pitch and the style of the speaker tells a lot about that was left unsaid: eg. – During a friendly chit chat with a colleague , you happen to ask him to look behind your back as you have to rush out for an hour, and he says sure he is free with nothing to do but his tone changes which was WARM before you had asked for help to COLD and BITING SHARP now. He hasn’t said it but he clearly is not happy to extend help. This is non verbal communication.

An extensive number of studies on nonverbal communication have varying results but its agreed upon that from 70 to 93 % of all communication is nonverbal.

Although science can neither see mind nor thoughts yet Telepathy is proven by science . ”Telepathy communication is Non Verbal Communication” as each one of us is interconnected via mind and thoughts.

For me personally the best example of Non Verbal Communication that first comes to my mind is : the most talked about and remembered image from Sourav Ganguly’s cricket career : him removing & waving his Indian Jersey ( history behind it) from the lords balcony after defeating England. Naseer hussain who captained England said he has ”Huge Respect” for Sourav for celebrating the win in this fashion. ”This Act was a very Powerful Non Verbal Communication” by Sourav , that while in celebration ”sent across a hundred or more messages” more effective than a thousand words . Obviously it was interpreted differently by each one ,as for me it said loud & clear to the world ,to recognize ”The Power of India ,Indians and the Indian Cricket Team for all times to come”. This act earned him the respect of both the cricket fraternity as well as the cricket fans world over.

Having said that nevertheless, to be aware of Non Verbal cues and body language of loved ones, friends and colleagues is of ”pertinence to communicate effectively”. This is why in the present scenario at work places ,”face to face Video Conferencing” is being used so as not to miss out on non verbal communication.

Before rushing to assume or interpret the words of another ,’feel the Vibrations that accompany the words’. words can be misleading but ‘Vibrations Are Real’. Vibes or nonverbal communication is crucial to fathom as to with what intention its being said.

For me personally , I just pay attention to the way how ‘I feel’ – that is when someone says ‘good or not good’ to me yet if ”i feel good inside” then its okay for me . Whereas when ”the nicest of things” are being said to me but ”if it makes me cringe & feel bad inside” then i know its nothing but fake .So just ”listening to my own feelings” is much simpler for me.

Talkings Vs. Speaking: Some key points to ponder:

Speaking or talking is to convey that you wish to in daily life.. Words are Powerful that can Please or Displease others.

Spoken at the Right Time With A Pure Intent , Right Words can Heal, Breathe Life back in any dying Relationship.

Talking clearly and to the point is one of the most important virtues that can create wonders in your life.

Do not underrate talking or speaking, talking is not just talking gibrish. Talking and arguments is not the same as talks lead to positive results whereas arguments heighten and worsen difference of opinion.

One who doesnt talk much is considered either dumb or sly , similarly one who talks nonstop is considered either dumb or a fool and listening to a non stop nonsense ,sure is painful .

Meaningful silence is always better than meaningless words that is why it is said ‘Silence is Golden’.

‘Balance’ is the key as any conversation needs to be divided equally between talking and listening. Do not dominate a conversation for otherwise soon you shall have no audience.

What happens is most of us while stating something important, try to make it more important by adding too many prefixes ”before and after the main point” ,thereby not only loosing the interest of the listener but ”the main point gets lost” too and this is Rambling : appears to convey confusion at either not being confident of what you are stating or its a lie thats being coated .And what makes it worse, is the Speakers weak posture ,Shifty eyes that all convey lack of confidence & enthusiasm. Crux is if you believe in thats being stated by you then it has to be concise and to the point for it to be impactful.

How to start a conversation

Its challenging for most of us to begin a conversation when meeting new people.As for me ,a genuine specific compliment ( however small) is not only a prefect ice breaker but also makes the other one comfortable that provides a positive beginning so crucial for a positive conversation. Its small talk that leads to meaningful deeper conversations.

Saying NO is as okay as saying YES

Another challenge for most of us is not knowing how to say No. Yes and No seem to be the two smallest words that are not considered of much relevance , whereas these are the two most difficult words for these are the ”deciding words” in any situation specially when someone asks us for help.

Although one genuinely wishes to extend help but sometimes you just cant do it. You want to say NO , but don’t know how to. It puts you in an unpleasant situation , so you feel. It may disturb the current equation with the person . We are afraid and somehow convinced that saying No implies as being rude and hurtful thereby disappointing and antagonising her/him. Then the predictable reaction from her/him ”of rejection and intense negativity” that we fear while saying NO, which forces us to live by saying YES each time. With just one thought that we have helped so many times in the past so ”one more time” will not hurt me.

However while saying Yes seems like an easy answer at the given point, it sure is not the best answer as it has its implications .Saying NO is as okay as saying YES . Better said face to face ,as the right intent allows you to say ”NO” with ease , without creating any misunderstanding ,distrust or frustration. Wherein the listener realizes its not about you not wanting to help but a straight fact that you are uncomfortable doing it, hard pressed for time etc….

Whenever you have said YES to someone, you said NO to yourself by allocating your time and time is more precious than money.

Talking about your problems is an addiction that doesn’t change anything, language is the key so why not talk about your Joys to Manifest Upon.

Talking is a skill that can Conquer both Minds and Hearts.

If we talk to each other instead of about each other ,problems would certainly dwindle.

Ability to talk Effectively with a Powerful Content ,makes others take notice of you instantly.

Why were most classes boring in school and only some that were looked forward to , you guessed it cause how a teacher spoke.

From Bhagvad Gita : How effective is the talk between Sri Krishna and Arjun ,that prepared Arjun for the Great War.

We are witnessing the rise in Ted Talks, obviously for talks.

The popular politician is one who is a good Orator.

Effective talks between two people , groups ,countries can bring about amicable settlements ,can avert wars.

Soothing & logical talks Spread Knowledge : Sri Gautam Budh’s teachings that spread far & wide .

Talking is an art that can Conquer both Minds and Hearts.

Talking can Make or Mar Relationships. Its a skill that can turn any situation in your Favour.

What you are thinking and saying ,you already know till this moment , will it not be wise to hear out all others to further Enhance your Knowledge ?

Lets pause our racing minds to simply listen and fully Enjoy communication.

Choose your words with utmost caution for when you speak: your Upbringing ,your Education, your Sanskars & your Thought process, everything is on Display for the World as Speech is the Mirror of the Soul.

As an old hindi idiom goes : ”Physical wounds heal & marks disappear but one who is ‘Wounded by Words Never Heals’. Choose your words carefully, as words create memories. Remember that each moment we are making deposits in the memory bank of others. What to deposit ? The choice is with each one of us to use this magical key called communication aptly.

Happy Talking people!!😇

Author Rekha Gupta

*Images used are not mine