EXPECTATIONS- Boon or Bane?

Author Rekha Gupta

Have you ever felt bad when somebody says No? When somebody behaves or reacts in a way, you are not used to? If yes, and most certainly it is yes, than the culprit here is Expectations!! You will be surprised how subconsciously and consciously we keep expecting things to happen in a certain way or people to behave in a certain way. There are no rules to have expectations, you just have them… and they can play havoc with your mental health..

Welcome to the underrated , negative and a damaging emotion called Expectations.

Expectations simply put is Pre Determining in your head other’s behaviour  beforehand –The funny and best part is , most of the times these expectations are in our heads– not even verbalised for the other person to know, subconsciously now expecting them to be clairvoyant as well. If it doesn’t fit into my way of thinking or what I feel is right, then it is a roller coaster of emotions– they are stamped guilty , I feel upset or disappointed as – expectations are always accompanied with my being judgemental and critical too.

Expectations is – you do things the way I want you to , you behave ,dress etc do everything the way I want you to . Expectations is – resisting you and your choices for yourself . Crux is I want to control you . Without any of us ever realising , the sad part is most of our expectations are obviously from our LOVED ONES thereby causing unnecessary friction and hurt.

I am happy only when my expectations are met , in other words it implies my happiness is dependent on them, all the time and always . Oh God ! a very sorry state I am in ,a vicious web of hurt and pain, one never even realises !

Picture this: My parents should behave cool in front of my friends , my kids should perform well at sports, after all they have taken after their parents , the maid should do extra cleaning today, so what, its a small thing , my subordinate should stay back and hour an finish this work- whats the big deal? and so on. Have you been in any of such or similar situations?

To think of it , from their point of view , By the rule book then everyone else too expects me to live up to their expectations ! Its neither humanly possible for me to meet everyones expectations always nor do I even want to.

Big Question ? Then why and how do I expect everyone to behave according to my wish ???

Everyone  expecting  from everyone all the time , is the reason for most of the heartbreaks. Believe me, if you think slowly & logically, you will realise most negative traits that we feel towards others is born out of expectations. Anger, disappointment,resentment everything. Its an unspoken subtle control that we exercise and we may not even be aware of how deeply it is rooted in our system to have expectations.

Please note, there are 2 kinds of expectations, one are the conscious mind expectations: Eg: You have got married , you have got a lovely wife. She will cook for you. This may , may not be met with you. You are okay at this stage with either. After 5 years, the wife gets a job and wants to share the burden, now it is very difficult for your sub conscious mind to expect anything else. It is natural for you to feel , that she has always cooked for you, so why should it be any different now?

That is the bigger problem, the deep rooted sub conscious expectations which you treat as normal , are not actually normal . Like -the guard should open the gate, the servant should bow his head, juniors should wish you , these are some ingrained, thought of as harmless expectations, which more often than not, will be met with. Conflict arises when even 1 situation is not upto your expectation. Suddenly you will realise that you have an ego that has been hurt, you have feelings of anger and frustration and so on.

To add to the misery, you will realise that even if you are expectations are met, they still fall short! They never seem to satisfy you. You are in a constant state of developing new expectations.

Is it possible to live expectaion free? Probably not? It may take years of mediation, practise over mind, to stop this. However you can definitely try and control the amount of expectations at the conscious level. Try 1 day, without expectations from anyone in the family and see how it goes. Just Be and let be….let the situations flow by itself.

Another easier way to try to be expectation free is –From all those you expected and you created hurt , sit in solitude and ask yourself ;

What were your expectations based on? Relationship, something you did in past or may do in future or just like that? Relationship based are more common …..

So just by right of your relationship, you demand it to be fulfilled ?

Were your expectations reasonable?

Were they valid ? perhaps only from your point of view ?

Did you verbalize it?

You just expected ? Eg : because as your child ,as your parents they have to fullfil your expectations or you are married so your spouse should behave in a certain way.

How often do you have such expectations ? (once a day/4-5 times a day/continously?)

You certainly will get your answers if you answer them honestly to yourself, that is you just demand it.

Now let us reverse this exact same situation ,which is how many times have you lived upto their expectations ? Think hard, you sure will disappoint yourself.

Wasn’t this is a good reality check?.

Now a very common scenario and none of us will even put this in the category of expectations but see the havoc it plays – I am meeting someone at 9 am and I reach 5 minutes before 9 , but he comes ten minutes after 9 . I expected him to come at sharp 9 , so without knowing the reason ,I create negative thoughts like he doesn’t value my time, I have been here waiting like a fool . How much disturbance, disrespect and negativity my expectation has created ? What will  be the result of the meeting ? Nothing at all , for my negativity is bound to disturb the other one too. If reaching before time is normal for me then reaching ten minutes later may be normal for him or his car broke down or an urgency in the family . But who am I to judge ? If I expect then I should be prepared to accept the result with understanding and positivity .

We think we are progressive which is anything but the truth .We have complicated life to what extent by expecting all the time ? If he doesn’t stand up to greet me then he doesn’t respect me . If someone smiles, I smile back. If someone wishes me, then I too wish him. If someone ignores me, I too ignore him. If someone shouts at me, I too shout back. What am I doing ? Copying others the whole day.Where is me, my identity? Where is my original self ? I have merely become an imitation of other peoples behaviour . This is not me, I don’t recognise myself any more .

We have Complicated lives further – I remember friends and relations coming unannounced ,no ego issues no fuss as friends and relatives by right can come anytime ,brighter side of it , we together cooked two or three dishes but the merriment was humongous– and of course saved me of planning an extravagant menu and cooking an exhaustive gourmet spread all by myself ,oops! Now even phone calls are numbered and data maintained , I called last time, its their turn to call now. Again all this is because of subconscious expectations .That reminds me even the good morning on whatsapp is, I wished first yesterday , today its their turn , so much for being progressive and to be in the era of digitalisation .

This reminds me of the most common expectation, that is Respect . Age ,Relationships, Seniority, Position, Power, Riches all expect and all seeking respect or if rightly put all demand respect. Mistaking another ones silence, fear or flattery for respect and everyone is happy to believe they are being respected .

Parents saying it so lightly almost dismissively that they only expect Respect from their child.

We as a society , driven by Ego have degenerated at such an alarming pace that we no longer are able to differentiate between Respect and Regard.

Respect is the very foundation of any relationship and the most difficult emotion as it comes from ”Within”, for how the other person is ”Within” for the virtues created and radiated by him ,not for who he is in Relation , Age ,Seniority, riches, position or power.

Whereas what is outside of me- is my Name,my Position,my Power ,my Age ,my Seniority ,my Riches , my Relationships, that can only get a display of regard from others which is also from outside. Regard ; at times is either forced or out of convenience for some ulterior motives.

To wish someone – to say ‘Namestay’ , to touch another ones feet , to say hello or good day , to salute etc . all are customs ,beliefs , protocol which are country specific or a family specific , but not to confuse them with respect.

Respect and Love is not condition applicable -‘ If you fulfil my expectations then I will love and respect you or else consider them withdrawn’.

Simple harmless living room conversations sometimes become conflicting. Ever wondered why? These are hidden expectations , which perhaps even you are not aware of yourself. Just the fact that you expect people to conform to your views &-opinions on religious ,cultural belief, political ideologies shows that you have a silent expectation. You show resistance should they have a belief different from yours and this small talk has been the reason for not only anguish and hurt but people have been using against people for thousands of years to divide and rule . Unfortunately these difference in beliefs which are so natural ends up getting in the way of the relationships and is the cause for it to get sour and distanced. Why can one not treat these as as brain storming sessions wherein each one learns from the other one something new thereby leaving everyone elated to have constructively utilised their time. Billions of people and each one of us is completely different with even different finger prints. For any ordinary relationship to turn into an extraordinary great relationship ,we have to appreciate the similarities and respect the differences.

Conflict is more personal than international , more internal than external Whatever the magnitude of it between two people, it takes only one person to initiate to try and resolve ,and if not resolved for the other one is not ready to understand, then the satisfaction of initiating it , is truly liberating . We are unnecessarily perpetually engaged in our mind , waste of time and energy both. looking back we realise the futility of it all .To entangle in trivial issues is not normal as these small issues become bigger blocks .

Why so ? Its easy to accept conflict as normal but not ready to accept the other ones different perspective ? and at what cost ?

Use your intellect please, next whenever a thought comes of expecting something from someone , to first delve upon the reasons as to why are you expecting ? a) for It establishes your position once again and satiates your ego, b) you need reaffirmations of your control over them, c) you wanna test their love and loyalty for you, d) very important is to ask yourself that if he expected the exact same from you right now then will you be able to live upto his expectations, e) the most important here is if you are expecting then are you ready to accept the result which can go either ways without straining your relationship , f) is the relationship more important for you or your invalid expectations that arise from time to time.

This is the beauty ,we all are different with different sanskars ,different beliefs and different opinions. Now why would you want xerox copies , that is everyone looked alike ,thought alike and behaved alike. How then will we appreciate the beauty of uniqueness that each one is endowed with .

Lets Appreciate and ACCEPT each one, as one is.

Life is all about feelings – missing someone– call them , feeling something- tell them , wanna do something for someone– do it right away , believe me it will make you more happy than them.

But neither have they asked you to do anything for them ,nor should you now expect it to be returned. Never to confuse between the two – Do something for someone because it makes you happy ,not that it will make them happy.

Expectation is Resistance . Resistance to ACCEPT others as they are, and resistance to their likes and dislikes . When I resist, all other positive emotions get blocked.

I choose to give respect to all ,as a reflection of my personality and my sanskars ,but i will neither expect respect from others nor will i let their behaviour disturb me for it has nothing to do with me , its their sanskars that they are showcasing to the world.

One who expects, is a victim of his own expectations for when not met with, one doubts ones self worth ,creates anxiety , pain , hurt, physical and mental suffering. Powerful is the one who lets go of expectations to liberate himself . Choice is ours – We choose to be Victims or Powerful.

Author: Rekha Gupta

*Images used are not mine. I have no claim over the images .